Sunday, September 17, 2006

Adventures with Cheddar and Vegemite

Well, a rather exciting weekend has come and almost gone and there's much to report. So here it is, the good, the bad, and the ugly. In reverse cronological order...

Today:


The summer opening of Buckingham Palace is nearly over and I decided that this was the summer to do it since there's all sorts of extra stuff on display because it's the Queen's 80th Birthday celebration year. And by extra stuff, I basically mean a bunch of priceless emeralds, sapphires and diamonds on display and a huge collection of many of the dresses the Queen has worn for significant ocassions over the years of her reign. Doubtless, this was gripping stuff for Jason. He was a real sport though and pandered to my girly side and totally acted like he was interested. "Ohhhhh, chiffon, you say? I thought maybe that was tulle..." "Yes, the embroidery certainly IS exquisite on that satin and velvet ballgown." "Hmmmm, yes Heather, that most definitely is an interesting use of brocade..." Perhaps I exaggerate. But only a little.

Last night:


We went with Monique, Murray, and Murray's niece Lorraine to Pulcinella's (the best Italian food in all of London me thinks) for dinner before heading to the theatre to catch a play called "The Vegemite Tales". You may have guessed that it centers on Australian characters. More specifically, it's about five Australians and an Italian living in a London flat. It was absolutely hilarious, crass, crude, rude and even a little touching. A very different sort of play and in a very intimate theatre. The only problem was that I had a hard time understanding the accents at times. Nonetheless, very entertaining and well worth the ticket price.

Yesterday (Yes, this is long but I promise it's entertaining):
Yesterday's story actually begins on Friday in a roundabout way but the big action took place yesterday so therefore, it stays filed under "yesterday". Friday morning, after I returned from the gym, I settled in with my Starbucks and grape jelly toast to commence with my routine internet-ing only to find out that the internet wasn't working. Strange. "Oh well", I thought to myself. "Probably just a temporary service glitch. I'll just try back later and see if it's up." Later came and went, and I saw a BT truck parked on the street outside our building and thought that they must be here to fix it. So I went on with my day and before I knew it, it was Saturday morning.

(Well, not exactly before I knew it I guess. I knew it because George and Elwin were flipping out and running all over the place and hissing and meowing all freaking night. Which is completely out of character for them as they usually snooze with us all night. We will find out later that this is an integral part of the story and should not be in parenthases.)

And still no internet. Well, no trouble now because Jason's here and he can fix anything. So Super-Sleuth Sanger gets on the job and finally discovers the problem. A wire has been chewed completely in half. (You all know where this is going don't you?) My first thought was that Elwin was at it again. Our cat Elwin has a taste for electrical cords and has eaten through countless phone chargers. But then the cogs of my brain start turning. "The wire was BEHIND the sofa. Where Elwin can't get at it." And then the proverbial shit hit the proverbial fan when Jason says "Are those..." "OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO VOMIT THAT'S MOUSE CRAP AND I AM TOTALLY GOING TO VOMIT AND DID I MENTION THE VOMITING THAT'S ABOUT TO COMMENCE??????!!!!!" I calmly reply.

But what can we do right now right? So we call the landlord and tell him we need an exterminator and go on about getting ready to go out for lunch. And so it begins...

I'm in the bedroom, digging in my drawer for knickers and I hear Elwin freaking out over by the laundry hamper (which is where they were freaking out all night) and I turn around to yell at him to calm down and THERE. IT IS. A mouse crawling down the sleeve of a rogue shirt that's hanging out of the hamper. Again, I calmly inform Jason of the situation by running into the living room and saying something like "OH MY GOD IT'S THE RAT I SEE THE RAT THE RAT IS IN THE HAMPER AND OH MY GOD KILL IT PLEASE KILL IT BEFORE I TOTALLY LOSE IT AND START SCREAMING AND I'M CHECKING INTO THE KENSINGTON HILTON RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!!!"

So off he goes into the bedroom, armed with nothing but a copy of "The Joy of Cooking" and a wicker waste basket. And out he comes about 15 minutes later with the laundry hamper lid clamped over the waste basket. Again, I use my inside voice to nicely request that he please "TAKE THAT FILTHY THING OUTSIDE THIS INSTANT BEFORE I PUKE!!!!!!" He tells me how little it is and that it's actually really cute and that if I looked at him, I probably wouldn't be scared of him anymore. To which I reply, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STINKING MIND I DON'T WANT TO SEE THAT DISGUSTING VERMIN AND MAKE FRIENDS WITH HIM AND ASK HIM TO STAY FOR TEA AND SCONES I WANT HIM DEAD DEAD DEAD!!!!!!" He still tries to convince me that he's cute and tells me that he was wearing a little jacket he fashioned out of one of my socks and had a thimble with a rubber band around his head for a little hat. I told him that I didn't care if he was wearing this season Dolce & Gabbana, I was NOT making nice with him.

Well, Jason was already emotionally invested and couldn't kill him so he set off down Dawes Road, waste basket and laundry hamper lid still firmly clamped together, and dropped him off in a water grate about a kilometer down the street. Meanwhile, I'm convinced the little rodent (whom we now refer to as "Cheddar") heard me say all those nasty things about him and is on his way back here to even the score. So I'm sleeping with one eye open for a while. Well, more accurately, I'm drugging myself with enough Tylenol Simply Sleep to knock out a horse just so I can get to sleep. We were joking at dinner last night that I was going to wake up and find Jason peeking out through the blinds, looking up at the moon and singing "Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moon liiiiiiight. Someone's thinking of you and loving you toniiiight..."

Here's how Jason thinks of our visitor:



I say it looked more like this:


7 comments:

andrea said...

You have totally put my spiders to shame. I can no longer complain about them when you have a rat running loose! Okay, a mouse, but really, what is the difference? One is a little smaller? How quickly are you moving? Because I am looking at later this week if the spiders keep turning up...

Monique said...

ha ha
those pictures are hilarious!

Beth said...

Oh gross! Although I must say little Fieval (or however you spell it) did pop into my mind...

Melanie said...

Dude...I have totally been there. Except I was home alone and I saw it scurry through our kitchen floor into the wall. I am guessing it was pretty tiny, but still...I couldn't sleep for fear they were in the bed with me. UUGGHH just thinking about it gives me the heebie jeebies!!! Well I miss you still!!! The new job is going well...I will email you more details later! Hope all is well!

The Jodi Bob said...

Hi, this is Jodi, Mel's friend. I got a new job that pretty much makes me sit in front of a computer all day, so I thought I would start reading some of Mel's blogs. Glad I started with yours. I would love to see the Vegemite tales, as I lived in OZ for 6 months. Greatest 6 months of my life.
Have a great week- Jodi B

Mom said...

If I didn't know better, I would swear that your Daddy and Jason were related!!! Can't you just see Daddy doing the same thing with the mouse?!?!? I can imagine the smile that Jason had on his face when he came at you with the mouse in the waste basket.

Heather said...

jodi - Thanks for stopping by :) I'll do my best to entertain you while you're chained to a desk!