Thursday, September 21, 2006

I'm so mad that...

...I'm staying indoors lest I kill or at the very least seriously injure another human being. Many of you are aware that I was supposed to start my Italian class today. I was so excited and bought a brand new pink notebook and got my back-to-school outfit all picked out last night and then I spent my entire morning trekking to the Macbeth Center in Hammersmith completely and utterly in vain. And if a single one of you comments that Hammersmith isn't far from Fulham, I will indeed leave the confines of this flat and kill or seriously injure you. It took almost an entire hour to go roughly 6 kilometers because traffic was so horrendous and I ended up having to get off the bus and walk the rest of the way to the school.

When I arrive and ask which classroom Italian 1.1 is in, a lovely lady directs me to room 3. I enter and the two students who are already there are speaking perfectly fluent Italian with the instructor. Cue me almost start to cry because "Oh holy hell what have I gotten myself into and isn't this freaking class supposed to be for total beginners and why are these crazy ladies STILL speaking Italian and good lord Jesus the instructor is asking me stuff in Italian and I have no clue what he's saying so maybe if I sit really really still and don't make eye contact he'll forget I'm here." I finally speak up and say something terribly clever like "Umm, this isn't Italian 1.1 is it?" Everyone goes "Oh my God you poor thing! No wonder you looked so frightened!"

Back out to the reception desk I go to ask where the 1.1 class is and I get blank stares from not one but two incredibly helpful people. Finally one of them says something besides "Oh, er, umm, durrr, ahhh, hmmmm?" which sounded like "There isn't a 1.1 class today." but I knew that couldn't be what they really said because of course there's a 1.1 class today. I mean they certainly took my money for it and confirmed the day and time right on the phone with me just last week. I told them as much. Now, imagine if you will the following reply in the most falsely posh, annoying British accent you've ever heard: "Oh deah (dear)! Theah's (there's) been a terrible errah (error) I'm afraid!"

I'm starting to punch the keys very hard on the computer right about now so I should stop here. Suffice it to say the borough of Hammersmith and Fulham took my money for a class that doesn't exist this term and has blantantly told me that it will take several weeks to give it back to me because "it gets all tied up in the system you see". I'm going now so I can punch a wall or a pillow or something. Probably the pillow. I actually have lovely, delicate "piano-player" hands (so I've been told my whole life) and I don't want to F them up.

AND, I'm NOT proofreading this so there's prolly a LOT of mistakes and I don't give a rat's bum. Mio Dio.


andrea said...

Oh dear. I think you should just take some one on one lessons. With an Italian. In Italy. I bet Jason would go for it!

Or, if you are really desperate to learn, you can share my school schedule with me. Cause it is going to kick my butt!

Mom said...

Bless your heart!!! I am so sorry and wish I was there to give you a big hug. But I agree with Andrea...and the one on one lessons in Italy. And knowing Jason, he probably would go for it!! :) Hope tomorrow is better and I love you bunches!

Heather said...

Hmmm, I've given it some thought and I think maybe I could get the beautiful Italian boy from Sicily downstairs in the deli to teach me. His name is Alessandro and he's roughly 20 years old and he flirts with me shamelessly and gives me free cups of espresso flavored Italian ice whenever I go there to get fresh buffalo mozzarella. I luurrrvvvveeee him.

Monique said...

oh NOOOOOOOOO that sucks!
try the website for the place I'm taking Spanish - maybe they do beginners Italian as well?

I'm going to the one at Wimbledon - it's not far from the station & on the district line.

So sorry to hear you went all the way over there for nothing - what a pain!

Bil With One L said...

Remember... SPIRIT FINGERS, Heather. SPIRIT FINGERS. It's makes everything better.

OK, not exactly a suitable substitution for the bird, but wouldn't the lame asses sitting at the desk have been amazed if you gave them spirit fingers?

It'd kinda be like one of those Mentos adverts.