Friday, July 06, 2007

Live Earth

Tomorrow's the big day. I'm currently preparing to have my face rocked off by Madonna and the Beastie Boys.

I'm also preparing to have absolutely nothing rocked off by Genesis. Seriously? Genesis?

I'm also preparing rotten things to throw at the lead singer of Razorlight. He's already defiled the cover of my March Vogue. I ask you, have I not suffered enough??

And, errrrrm, United States? Our Live Earth is WAAAAAAAAAY better than your Live Earth.

You guys get:
Kanye West - I ain't sayin' he a hypocrite, but he ain't messin' with no cubic zirconia.
AFI - Ummmm, who?
Kelly Clarkson - Let's just hope she does her old material because her new stuff is... well, let's just say it's NOT her old stuff and leave it at that.
Akon - More like A-KONvict. Lock up your daughters and by all means, don't throw ANYTHING at the stage.
KT Tunstall - Anyone really know what a black horse and a cherry tree have to do with one another?
Alicia Keys - Booooring. I keep on fallin'... asleep when you start singing.
Ludacris - Much better actor than rapper. And stay the f**k up out his biz-nas.
Bon Jovi - This will piss off a lot of people but... Old hat.
Melissa Etheridge - Well, that's pretty freaking cool actually. I'll trade you Corrine Bailey Rae for her?
Dave Matthews Band - Good, but I've seen them about a 100 times in much smaller venues.
Fall Out Boy - Gah, are they still popular since Pete Wentz took photos of his wang and put them on the 'net and then tried to act like someone "leaked" them?
Roger Waters - Old and stoned.
Smashing Pumpkins - Just because it's Billy Coorgan doesn't mean it's the Pumpkins.
Keith Urban - Well, he just got out of rehab so I'll be nice.
John Mayer - Fantastic singer but have you seen him perform live? Consider yourself warned.
The Police - Barf. Sting is such a self-rightous arsehole. Or a cantankerous old fart. Or both.

And (with only a few mis-fires here and there) we get:
Beastie Boys - AWESOME.
Black Eyed Peas - Maybe Fergie-Ferg will wet her britches again!
Bloc Party - AWESOME.
Corinne Bailey Rae - Eh, whatever.
Damien Rice - AWESOME.
David Gray - AWESOME.
Pussy Cat Dolls - Ugh. More like the "Tranny Cat Dudes".
Duran Duran - AWESOME.
Foo Fighters - AWESOME.
Genesis - We'll just skim over that one.
James Blunt - AWESOME.
John Legend - Whatever. But maybe he'll pitch another tent!
Keane - AWESOME.
Paolo Nutini - AWESOME.
Razorlight - Stupid.
Red Hot Chili Peppers - AWESOME.
Metallica - Geez. Really? Sounds like the perfect time for a potty break.
Snow Patrol - AWESOME.
Spinal Tap - AWESOME.
Madonna - AWESOME.
Not to mention that there's chatter about a surprise appearance by one Mr. Justin Timberlake. Maybe I'll be the one wetting her britches.

However, we didn't get ALL the good ones. Here's a few around the world that I'm jealous of:
Australia gets Jack Johnson
Brazil gets Pharrell
Germany gets Shakira (but they also have to put up with Enrique Iglesias so it evens itself out.)


Beth N said...

How do you get to go to EVERYTHING that is so cool? It's so not fair. Perhaps in the future you should inform your cool-impaired friends about said cool things. Just sayin'...

Steph said...

Ok so you got me. I'm fairly jealous.

Beth said...

THANK YOU! I've been telling people about Kanye and his little diamond hypocrisy for ages now and yet somehow no one seems to listen to me. However, I'm going to take that thank you back now because you insulted my boy Jon. How could you?!

tanis said...

There's nothing that makes sitting through Enrique Iglesias ok. No one has done anything so bad that warrants that kind of abuse. I ran screaming from the room after he 'sang' the first couple of lines of Bailamos.