Thursday, July 17, 2008

The fashion mistress is in... again

Dear Women of London,

Good gawd ladies. Can't a gal get a break? You are constantly forcing me to verbally bitch-slap some sense into you. Not only do you need my advice on footwear and seasonally appropriate dressing, now I'm going to have to discuss the importance of regular pedicures and keeping your Netherlands off display in warm weather. Let's get started.

Far too many times I have been on the tube and had the misfortune of sitting near one of you sporting sandals or flip-flops of some variety with some of the mankiest looking feet I have ever seen. Truly revolting nasty cracked heels, funky yellow toenails, ashy flaking skin, etc. Ladies, this is no way to represent yourself. Drop by the salon for a pedicure once and a while. Or at the very least, put on some damn lotion and slap a coat of varnish on those vile looking nails. Some may protest "I don't have enough money to waste on pedicures!" Fine. Take yourself to Boots and buy a foot file, some hardcore foot balm, a pair of thin white socks and some polish. Blam! A cheap DIY pedicure that keeps on giving! It's that easy. It is not okay to neglect this area of hygiene.

Even more importantly, let's discuss the importance of undergarments. Recently, Jason and I were enjoying a nice lazy afternoon on Richmond Green. Jason decides to walk over to the pub for a spot of refreshment and when he returns to our blanket, he tells me that he passed by a couple of girls sitting on the grass, one of whom was sitting "Indian style" (I'm told this term is no longer politically correct but a] I'm not exactly known for my political correctness and b] I'm part Cherokee so you just try and tell me I can't use a term that is supposedly "demeaning" to my people). Indian style in a short skirt. Indian style in a short skirt with no knickers on. Thaaaat's right! No knickers! Biscuit on display. I blame those skanks Britney and Paris. Call me crazy. Call me old-fashioned. But when I was a young whipper-snapper, part of the getting dressed routine involved putting on underwear. Let's kick it old-school and bring back this crazy trend of undergarments! How retro.

XOXO, 
Heather

3 comments:

Raquel said...

LOL! You definitely need to visit NYC. Your advice is SO much in need here. ;)

Suze - Manchester UK said...

Completely unrelated but Snatch is on TV tonight. Just Saying.

kristainlondon said...

Couldn't agree more! And I've done a lot of price shopping...you can get decent pedicures for about £20 in London, which is pretty reasonable! My current favorite is called California Nails, right up the street from the Hampstead tube stop.