Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Heather Takes On: Music

I have decided that I am swiftly turning into a cantankerous old hag in my advancing age.  I have opinions on just about everything.  And I will spout them to just about anyone who will listen.  For evidence, see my post entitled "Rant" from a mere few days ago.  So I'm thinking I just might start a new Nutshell feature called "Heather Takes On".  Here's my first official installment.

Kanye West, I want to hate you.  I really do.  You seem like a pretentious, self-serving, egomaniac and when I read clips of things you have written on your blog or soundbites from your interviews, I typically end up wanting to strangle you.  I also think you are one hypocritical mofo, what with all your railing against the "blood diamond" industry while wearing your own weight in bling.  But damned if you don't consistently churn out exceptionally good and innovative tunes.  (And now, double-damned if you haven't been one of the best voices of reason out there regarding the Rhianna/Chris Brown fiasco.  While some are writing this off as a simple human "mistake" on Chris' part, you nailed it:  "I don't care how famous she is or if she just worked at McDonald's, that should never happen."  Right on.)

Lady GaGa, just so you know... Christina Aguilera did the whole "scantily clad skinny blonde dance music and racy videos" thing before you and better than you.  But, you know... Carry on.  If you must.

Pussycat Dolls, just STFU.  Please.  Seriously.  Please.

Taylor Swift, I get it. You're precious and fresh-faced and sugar and spice and everything nice (and everything I'm undoubtedly not) and that's great.  Really, it is.  And I truly hope you stay that way and don't start turning into a hell-on-wheels Miley Cyrus type.  (You just know that one is on the fast track to Trouble Town.)  But I'm kind of tired of hearing you harp about how one of those Jonas kids dumped you in a 27 second phone call but that you're "Totally over it.  Honest!  I'm so over it!".  I'm also kind of tired of all your songs sounding like every diary entry I wrote between the ages of 12 and 16.  Ugh.

Akon, do us all a favor and just take yourself to jail.  You're a thug and you sound like a chipmunk.  Go away.

But on the other side of the coin, let me just say that The Killers latest album, Day and Age, is absolutely fantastic and really shows how the group is evolving their sound.  Nobody, but nobody, does the instrumental build up better than The Killers.  By the time they're ready to explode into the chorus, you can hardly stand it anymore.  And that's good music.  Also, it doesn't hurt that one Mr. Brandon Flowers is basically sex on a stick.  (Trust, I never thought I'd say that about a dude who indulges in guyliner [see: Pete Wentz = douchebag], but he pulls it off with aplomb.)

On the same side of this coin... Better Than Ezra, please please please put out a new album.  And please please please come perform in NC.  It's been too long.  I miss you guys.  

And finally, a word on Adele.  Adele, you are everything that's good and right and pure in music.  A breath of fresh air in a smoky bar.  A ray of sunlight on a January day in London.  A sip of cool water after a run.  Keep it coming.


Aisby said...

I am with you on Kanye. I want to despise his cocky ass, but his music lives up to his own hype...Maybe he'll put out something REALLY bad, so I can go ahead and hate him.

Suze - Cheshire, UK said...

I agree with most of this post. Until you got to Adele. Yes, the whiny fridge-straddling pop-tart who sings about chasing pavements. What the hell does that even mean?? Gosh, can't wait for her next single: Flogging Bus Stops. I've had more meaningful bowel movements. Sorry.

Cary Anne said...

Brandon Flowers? Really?

I love the killers, but Brandon Flowers got really ugly after Sam's Town came out.