Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Travelin' Thru

Home. For me, it's a loaded word. Quite honestly, I don't know where home is anymore. In fact, since we sold our house I don't even have a home in my home of North Carolina. Still, Raleigh is home. But I get so nostalgic over England that I consider it home as well. And as we currently reside in Brussels, surely that qualifies as home...even if it is a much more temporary one. But it's where we share meals and laughter and heartaches, and that's at least one definition of home.

The simple answer would be that home is wherever Jason and I are together.

But it's not that simple.

It's a big part of it but it's definitely more complex than that.

And that saying, "Home is where your heart is"?

Well, guess what.

Raleigh has a piece of my heart. England has a piece of my heart. And for the moment at least, so does Belgium.

So where does that leave me?

Right back where I started.

Sometimes I love this transient lifestyle. Usually on the weekends when we're exploring an unfamiliar city or laid up on a massage table in a German spa. But sometimes I hate it. Usually when I run out of the snacks I've smuggled back from the US or when I think about all our belongings sitting in a storage unit.

But I think I hate it most of all when I go back to Raleigh and realize I have almost no girlfriends there (outside of Jason's sisters, who I love) because I'm never there long enough anymore to cultivate any real friendships. Sure, I have fantastic girlfriends all over the US and all over the world even...and I thank my lucky stars for them but when I go back to Raleigh, part of me feels really alone.

So now, we're nearing the end of this adventure. But here's the kick in the head.

We still have no idea where we're going next.



This has all been weighing on my mind (and heart) for the past month or so and I know my thoughts on the topic are rather jumbled.

So if you've managed to read this far without pulling out your eyebrow hairs one-by-one in frustration, I thank you.

But I think I've made a least a tiny bit of peace with the situation. I've been on a serious iTunes organization project for the past week or more. (And my GOD did I ever listen to some angry chick music in college. Wow.)

I stumbled upon an old free single of the week track and listened. It was Travelin' Thru by Dolly Parton. (Who, by the way, I'm convinced is an actual angel walking among us. If you've ever watched her in an interview, you know what I'm talking about. That woman embodies the spirit of compassion and kindness that we should all aspire to.)

Well I can't tell you where I'm going, I'm not sure of where I've been
But I know I must keep travelin' till my road comes to an end
I'm out here on my journey, trying to make the most of it
I'm a puzzle, I must figure out where all my pieces fit

Like a poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find what feels like home
Where that is no one can tell me, am I doomed to ever roam
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' on

Questions I have many, answers but a few
But we're here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth
We've all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree
And when I'm born again, you're gonna see a change in me

God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain
Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain
Oh sweet Jesus if you're listening, keep me ever close to you
As I'm stumblin', tumblin', wonderin', as I'm travelin' thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru

Oh sometimes the road is rugged, and it's hard to travel on
But holdin' to each other, we don't have to walk alone
When everything is broken, we can mend it if we try
We can make a world of difference, if we want to we can fly

Goodbye little children, goodnight you handsome men
Farewell to all you ladies and to all who knew me when
And I hope I'll see you down the road, you meant more than I knew
As I was travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin', travelin' thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin'
Drifting like a floating boat and roaming like the wind
Oh give me some direction lord, let me lean on you
As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', thru

I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru
I'm just travelin', travelin', travelin', I'm just travelin' thru

Like the poor wayfaring stranger that they speak about in song
I'm just a weary pilgrim trying to find my own way home
Oh sweet Jesus if you're out there, keep me ever close to you
As I'm travelin', travelin', travelin', as I'm travelin' thru

Note 1: If you want to hear her sing it; and I highly recommend that you do; here you go. It was recorded for Transamerica, a wonderful film, and the video has clips from the movie.

Note 2: If you are among the group of my girlfriends with whom I have discussed our future location options, could you please not mention any of them in the comments? (Since our moves are for Jason's job, everything has to be kept pretty confidential until it's all official.) Many thanks.


Vegemite Wife said...

Don't make me come to BRU and make you do karaoke. You noes I will. And I'll be getting them to put Dolly on for all of us - you do this Travellin' Thru track, I'll do Workin' 9 to 5, we make the boys duet with Islands in the Stream. We all wear wigs and fake breasts - I know you know where to find some fancy dress for this.

Beth said...

Were we separated at birth? I LOVE Dolly. Love her. And kind of want to go and see Dollywood too. Shh. Don't tell anyone.

Alice said...

Uncertainty is hard. We have certainly gone through it in our short married life, too. Although not on global scale you have - but we have struggled with where we were going to live and what would be the best decision for our family. And it moved me away (although not too far) from friends. I remember Ervin telling me "home is wherever you are." And I know you and Jason feel the same. But it can still be hard at times.

I am sure wherever you end it up - it will be fabulous. I can't wait to see your next adventure!

PS- I SERIOUSLY love some Dolly Parton. My favorite line from one of her songs "It's hard to be a diamond in a rhinestone world." Truer words never spoken.

andrea said...

Dollywood is a place to visit, it is, um, interesting to say the least :)

You guys will have a great life no matter where you end up - and we will all continue to live vicariously through you!

MrsBlueberry said...

I'll be your friend if you come back to Raleigh. Come on, we're getting an H&M now and everything! :)

geo said...

Whatever you do, please do not stop writing. This blog is your home and we all live in it ;)

Sara said...

LOVE the Dolly and LOVE watching ya'll travel! Hope the next place is just as wonderful!!

Peaches N Curry said...

Ok, I'll man up and admit that I've been to Dollywood. It is actually very clean and a nice theme park. But the clientele...well let's just say it leads to many Jeff Foxworthy / King of the Hill jokes.

Good luck figuring out your next step. Even when you are "settled" in a place, figuring out the next step in life is always hard. At least yall get to see more of the world via your expat life and share it with us!


ps Dolly is Fabulous! Check out her version of Stairway to Heaven if you haven't already.

Beth N said...

Can I talk you into moving to CT? Common... it's March and still snowing. SO tempting isn't it? No. Ok... well, you can live in a town with Tory Burch and Saks all on one street? Yes, now I have your attention?

Melissa said...

I completely understood what you were saying in this post. Our future has been uncertain for quite a while and now that we know we're headed to Idaho, it's still uncertain. We're heading in, sight unseen, and have no place to live. We'll figure it all out when we get there! We love living in different places-even though we've been in FL for 9 years, we've lived in several houses because we get bored so easily. We know (or think) we'll settle down eventually somewhere, but have no clue where! The friend thing is difficult-I have a few very close friends, but for me, I get the whole, "Oh, you're military-I'll get close, but not too close" thing.

Anyway, I rambled, but good luck on your decisions and I know you will make the best of wherever you end up! We laughed at the fact that we got orders to Idaho of all places, but when we researched, we're quite close to tons of awesome places! We can't wait!