Professional soccer is the worst sport in the world.
There. I've said it. (Cue the angry mobs.) Now, I'll back it up.
First of all, so far in the World Cup, how many games have ended in a draw? SEVERAL. Even worse, a nil-nil draw. Holy what??? Listen up, FIFA. If I'm going to sit down and invest a couple of hours in watching a match, I would really very much like to have AN ACTUAL WINNER at the end of it. I'm sorry but any sport which simply calls it a day without deciding a proper victor is no sport to me. I mean, isn't that kind of the whole point of sport? Competition? Give me a clear winner or give me hockey*.
*(A sport, in which, during its playoffs, decides a tie in the most spine-tingling fashion possible: sudden death overtime. Not many things are more exciting than sitting on the edge of your seat during the extra period, just waiting with bated breath for one team to end it all for the other. Sudden death for one team; sudden life for the other. Now that's sport.)
Secondly, how sick and tired am I of watching all the dives taken by soccer players? Very. All this falling to the ground and flailing around holding one's shin with pained looks on their faces (while surreptitiously looking out of the corner of one eye to make sure the ref is watching) is getting rather tiresome. And by rather tiresome, what I actually mean is REALLY FREAKING OLD. Listen up, soccer players. MAN UP. You look like a toddler lamenting his first fall off a tricycle. Perhaps all your mommies should hang out on the sidelines, ready to dole out kisses and bandages? Would that make you feel better? Seriously, just MAN UP. Give me toughness or give me hockey players.*
*(Athletes who, by the way, can take a frozen piece of vulcanized rubber traveling at 87 mph to the face, spit out a few teeth, go to the locker room to get their nose sewn back on and come back out and score a goal. Shorthanded. Now that's a man.)
And finally, France. France, I do love your delicious cheeses and velvety wines but get over yourself. For starters, you shouldn't even be participating in the World Cup. (It should be Ireland instead. Google it.) You didn't deserve your spot. And now, you're squandering this unfairly gifted opportunity away because one of your players threw a strop and refuses to apologize and the team is refusing to practice because of it. Really?? Really, France??? Wow. This is supposed to be world class football. Not a cheerleading competition where a girl pitches a fit when she's not allowed to wear her hair down. Listen up France, untwist your knickers and play like men.*
*(No I don't have a hockey related counter point here. You know why? Because nothing even remotely similar to this would EVER HAPPEN IN THE NHL. Primarily because the teams that make it into the playoffs are decided by actual numbers instead of a "governing body".)
And don't even get me started on the blown call against the USA, which resulted in yet another draw when it should have been a solid win. At this point, I'm thinking FIFA is about as corrupt as the Bangladesh government.
All this said however, I will be watching on Wednesday morning when the US takes on Algeria. Because I want to see some redemption after that joke of a match versus Slovenia. Because I'm an American. And there's nothing us Americans like more than a good comeback story.
(As a side note, I've got an England jersey for sale if anyone wants it. No? Not a single taker? Think about it...it'll make for an excellent fire starter on those blustery July days that are bound to come. Ahhh, the British summer. What, still no?)