Monday, October 17, 2011

Super Nanny's Not Top Plays

See? This is why I didn't proclaim the Nutshell dead in my last post. I get these wild hairs... But this barely counts because this is an old old old post I wrote a long long long time ago. As in before we moved to Belgium. But since I'm about to take on a little one-day-a-week nannying gig, I recalled writing this and never posting it so I decided to dig it out and dust it off and try to pass it off as new content. So, without further ado, imagine me now throwing fistfuls of glitter into the air as a means to distract you from the fact that I wrote this in 2009:

As my nannyship has drawn to a close with my little charge starting pre-school, I feel it's time to reflect. Not upon those moments where I felt like I was really making a difference in a young child's life. But upon those moments where I really f*cked up. Because those are funnier. So, if I may borrow from my favorite segment on SportsCenter, I present my Not Top Plays:

Red or white?
She loves to play pretend cook so we're playing restaurant and I order a steak. She brings the plate over to me, and I say "Hmm, I need something to drink. What should I have?" She sets down a little goblet and says "Red wine or white wine?"

As a disclaimer, I would like to make it known that we were friends with this little girl's parents before she was ever born and when we get together, there is always wine. So she probably associates me and Jason with coming to her house and drinking up all their wine. (That actually wasn't much of a disclaimer considering it only served to further incriminate me.)

I hope it gives you help.
I typically tried to pay attention to what was on the radio when we were in the car because she loves music and loves to sing along so I didn't want her getting any naughty lyrics stuck in her head. For example, even though she loved Lady Gaga, I turned the station when the Disco Stick song came on because that's just disturbing coming from a 3.5 year old. (It's disturbing coming from Gaga, come to that.)

But one day... the sun was out, the windows were down, we were cruising along Ray Road and one of my favorite songs of the summer came on - Gives You Hell by All-American Rejects. And just for a moment, I forgot that this probably wasn't the best song for a pre-schooler considering it has a pretty catchy little chorus that repeats the word "hell" about 4,000 times.

That is, I forgot until I heard a little voice from the back seat. "Hope it gives you help, hope it gives you help." She thought they were saying help! Thank the lawd! Dodged a bullet on that one.

Oh no, please don't puke. 'Cause then I'll puke and...oh crap...
One day, we were heading back to her house for lunch and rest time and she was a bit pouty because she wanted to go to McDonald's for lunch and I said no since she had been a little sassy that morning. So when we got home and I gave her a few options for lunch, she begrudgingly chose mozzarella sticks. The pout-parade continued and she was basically dipping the mozzarella sticks in sauce and just licking the sauce off, over and over. Not to mention totally ignoring the fruit and veg on her plate.

So I told her she had to actually bite and chew and swallow some of her lunch, not just lick sauce off of it. She said she wasn't hungry. I told her she absolutely had to eat. She nibbled an ant-sized crumb of breading off the mozzarella stick and put it down. She commenced the quivering-lip-about-to-cry thing that kids are so good at. I told her this was not acceptable behavior, especially at the lunch table. So she started to cry in earnest.

I tell her that she has to eat abc amount of fruit, xyz amount of veg and at least one whole mozarella stick. She picks at the fruit, shoves the veg around and starts to eat the cheese. She takes a giant bite, way too big for her, and starts chewing away with her cheeks puffed out to the size of ping-pong balls. And then she starts to gag. And I'll just let you imagine how this one ended up.

Nordstrom or J. Crew?
It's no secret that I enjoy a bit of shopping every now and then. (A bit = a lot. Every now and then = as much as I possibly can.) So it was rather convenient that our preferred weekly story time location was Pottery Barn Kids, as PBKs are often in malls. It seems I used these mall outings as an excuse to have a quick look around my favorite stores a few too many times. One morning as we were getting ready to go to story time, I told her that we needed to go a little early because I had to go somewhere first. Her immediate response was "Nordstrom or J. Crew?"

Christmas is awesome.
Once I had to make a pitstop at my house to pick something up and she started to rifle through a stack of miscellaneous papers. In the stack happened to be one of those sound cards, featuring Michael Scott from The Office waxing poetic about the joys of Christmas. Of course she opened it and here's the quote that spilled forth:

"Christmas is awesome. First of all you got to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time."

Thankfully, the only line that stuck with her was simply "Christmas is awesome." She thought that was a slice of comedic gold and repeated it over and over and over, completely cracking herself up.

To the Red Sox?
Everyone who's been reading here for any length of time knows that my passion for clothes and accessories is rivaled only by my passion for sports. So it's possible I may have made a few passing comments related to my favorite teams. Anyway, the final day of free agency in hockey is one of the most exciting/nerve-wracking days of the year for any diehard fan. I was keeping a close eye on Twitter for Hurricanes news and was getting very nervous that Erik Cole hadn't re-signed yet. I must have had a worried look on my face while checking my phone because she said "Ms. Heather, what's wrong?". I replied that I was sad because my favorite hockey player might be going to another team. Her reply?

"To the Red Sox?"

Back off, filthy child I don't know.
One of our regular activities was going to the NC Museum of Art for kids craft time. This was great because it exposed her to other children. This also sucked because it exposed me to other children. One of whom got a little too close for comfort. We're minding our own business, picking out bits of colored tissue paper for our butterfly and a particularly, shall I say, moist child approached me with her dirty face and wet (wet with what, I have no idea) hands outstretched...going right for my leather Kooba Sienna bag, asking "You have sumting in der for me to eat?" My instant reaction was to snatch my bag out of her reach and say "What?? Ew. No." The worst part? I didn't even feel bad. I had fine leather goods to protect.

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