Monday, December 19, 2011

Oh, bloody hell

I had a little mishap. (Mishap is just a cute way to way to say I busted my brow open and nearly choked on my own tongue when I saw the amount of blood spewing forth from my face.) Here's what happened.

Picture it. Raleigh. December 2011. 4:42 am.*

(*Raise your hand if you enjoyed that Golden Girls "Sophia" reference.)

Oh right. I suppose you're wondering what in the hell I'm doing up at 4:42 am. A bit of background then...

I have a little "fun money" part time job at the gym across the street. A couple of days a week I set my alarm for the ungodly hour of 4:00 am. That gives me exactly two nine-minute snoozes before I roll out of bed at 4:18 and take precisely seventeen minutes to get ready before walking out the door at 4:35 and arriving at the gym at 4:40 to prep the joint for a 5:00 opening.

(The crazy part is, I don't actually mind it. Yes, the second the alarm goes off is generally a FML moment but I'm one of those weirdos who's fine once I'm up and going and the awesome thing is that my shift is over by 8:30 or 9:00 and I go home and take a nap! Do you have any idea how great it is to be 34 years old and able to take a guilt-free mid-morning nap??!??)

Anyway, back to how I cracked my face open. I got out of my car and somehow stumbled a bit on the curb (that's a kerb to you, Suze). Normally, this wouldn't have caused such a problem and in fact, I had very nearly righted myself. But, you see, I was stumbling straight towards a plate glass store front and had apparently picked up some forward momentum causing me to plow brow-bone first into it.

My first thought was "Oh shit. That hurt a lot. I'm going to have a massive headache all morning." And I guess I instinctively touched my head because the next thing I know, I'm fumbling with the keys to open the gym and I see blood on them. And that doesn't sit well with me. I feel the panic start to wash over me and that's when I feel something wet running past my eye. And that really doesn't sit well with me. I start to mumble "Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god." over and over and over again and that's when I see something red dripping onto my coat. And that's when I totally freaked out.

Never mind my reaction when I made it to the bathroom inside and saw my face in the mirror. It was not pretty. Oddly, my biggest immediate concern was getting all the blood off the floor (and, um, wall and countertop...eww) because I didn't want the gym members to be grossed out. In fact, I was grabbing toilet paper by the fistful and frantically wiping everything, too stupid to realize I hadn't yet put any on my head to stop the dripping and was therefore leaving behind even more blood than I was cleaning up.

I finally realized I should call Jason and only when he reminded me to put pressure on the cut did I actually manage to do that. Furthermore, in my mind, I was calling Jason because I needed help getting the gym open. That is to say, NOT because I needed someone to rush me to the ER to have my face stitched back together. I was actually thinking in my head "Okay. I've got to somehow explain to him how to go in the electrical closet in the basketball court to get the main lights on and then how you have to get the other key from behind the desk to go in the other closet to turn on the music." Panic: it makes you crazy...and dumb!

Meanwhile, I noticed an alarm was going off. I realized pretty quickly it was the juice bar next door and the reason the alarm was going off was that I had hit their window that hard. WITH MY HEAD. My first thought was "Wow. That's impressive." My second thought was "Huh. I wonder if I'm concussed." My third thought was "Oh good. Security will be on their way." My fourth thought was "Oh yeah. Blood. OH GOD THE BLOOOOOOOOOOD."

About that time, Jason arrived in a panic. He later told me I sounded so helpless and distraught on the phone that he wondered if he should even take time to get dressed. Apparently, all I kept saying was "I'm hurt. I'm bleeding. I need help." Which I guess freaks husbands out. I reassured him he made the right choice. "Always always always choose clothes." I sagely advised.

Anyway, long story long...four stitches and a tetanus shot later I was back home snuggled up on the sofa.

Day two. Slightly worse for the wear. Eye starting to blacken. I've taken on a "You think I look bad? You shouldda seen the other guy." attitude.

Day three. More pronounced swelling and blackening of the eye area. Tired of the tough guy mentality. Working the victim angle. Had Jason wash my hair for me.

Today (day five), I'm off to see a cosmetic surgeon about possibly getting my stitches out. Hey. This is my moneymaker were talking about. I don't mess around when it comes to this face:

Now, if you don't have a weak stomach when it comes to blood and you really want to see the face of pure terror, do I ever have a treat for you. In my hysterical state immediately post-impact, I remember thinking "Jason will never believe how much blood is running down my face right now. I need to take a picture." So I did. I took a picture of my own bloody face. That's how crazy in the head I was.

The funny thing was that I only remembered I had done this while we were waiting in my little ER room for the doctor to come sew me up. So there we were. In the ER. Laughing our asses off at how ridiculous a state I was in.

Go on...if you dare (after the jump).

Keep in mind that doesn't include the trail of blood I left from the front door to the bathroom or all the blood that had dripped all over the bathroom floor and countertop while I scurried around trying to wipe it all up or all the blood soaked up by the toilet paper and flushed away. In other words...OH GOD THE BLOOD! THE BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!


Anna said...

Ackkkkkkkkkkkkk. Glad you're ok. And I dig the blue nail polish.

Heather said...

Huh..I guess it does look blue in that lighting. In fact, it's actually grey. Either way though, thanks :)

M said...

Hi Heather,

Was wondering if I could send you a media invite for a spring fashion event that's happening in Raleigh in Jan?

my email is

Sara said...

Ouch Ouch!! Looks like a nasty one! I have a similar one from a catching a softball with my forehead! That blood would have freaked anyone out!

Vegemite Wife said...

Hi Heather,

Was wondering if I could book you to scare the bejesus out of some kids, it's happening in February.

My email is

Alice said...

Love the golden girls reference; glad you're OK; would have totally done the same thing and worried more about work than needing stitches.

At least you got a good story out of it!